“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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The only equipped I am is ill.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.