It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.