It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You Might Also Like
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The Joker was right
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..