@difficultpatty

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

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@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

@realHamOnWry

Nuns lead a very regimented and routine life. You might even say they’re creatures of habit.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@climaxximus

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

@brittwastaken

My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material