[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Nuns lead a very regimented and routine life. You might even say they’re creatures of habit.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material