It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance