It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes