It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.