It’s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don’t feel like listening to people anymore

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[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*


WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there


This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.


In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years


REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no


Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.


Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.


Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked