@McKnightyBoo

It’s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don’t feel like listening to people anymore

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

@BoomBoomBetty

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

@NicestHippo

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years

@Reverend_Scott

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

@junejuly12

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

@markleggett

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

@Pirate_nurse

Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked