Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system