*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal