@poutinesmoothie
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
@yonewt
It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag
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@poutinesmoothie
@The_MartiniGirl
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
@ArfMeasures
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
@JimmerThatisAll
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
@Phook75
No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately
@Darlainky
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
@spacewizard_t
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
@upsidedowntrash
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@Book_Krazy
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
@Anniewritess
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system