@yonewt

It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag

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@poutinesmoothie

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@JimmerThatisAll

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

@Phook75

No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately

@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@spacewizard_t

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

@Book_Krazy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

@Anniewritess

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system