@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@_MStJohn

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

@tweetsvisual

Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.

Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@eyeswidebutt

[on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’

@bottlerocket

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

@junejuly12

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

@HatfieldAnne

Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I’m into fun AND sport fishing.