doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”