It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.