[getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.