@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

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@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

@sock_holliday

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

@FeelingEuphoric

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

@ozzyunc

Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.

@AmericanGent69

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

@Darlainky

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*