It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
You Might Also Like
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…