It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.