It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*pronounces patio like ratio
fourth time’s the charm
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???