It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog


Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week


There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…


who tf decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ???


I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.


me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?