ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
who tf decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ???
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am