It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
good let them take over I have had enough
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit