It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
He-man has a Masters degree
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“I FIXED IT!”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands