The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Proctology is located in A55
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*