Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
It’s here! May The Fourth Be With You!!
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Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.