I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken