My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.