@EmilioEmm

It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.

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@Lexi__Alexandra

My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.

@3sunzzz

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@DanMentos

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@pinupteacher

[blind date]

“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”

*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.

@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.

@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@TheAdly

Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.