@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

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@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@4handfuls

Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@kumailn

Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go