It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
You Might Also Like
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
so i’m at the stock market right
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.