It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.


Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.


Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.


Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!


In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.


It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”


when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go