@filthybeggar1
People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.
@kellysdf
It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
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@filthybeggar1
@theNuzzy
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
@TimmyPumpkin
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.
@MatCro
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
@WigCannon
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.
@shamans_heal
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
@brynnester
Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
@GrantTanaka
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
@AlmightyBored
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
@shessoken
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today