[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
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[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.