@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

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@heymonroe

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@DaddyJew

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

@CruisinSoozan

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

@JElvisWeinstein

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle