People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.
It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today