It's important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, "Mr. Mean Old Man" and his wife, "Screamy".

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

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