@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

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@filthybeggar1

People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@MatCro

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@shamans_heal

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

@shessoken

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today