stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.