It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I want what they have
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
looks legit
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!