It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is


Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir


Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]


Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?


Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.


“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,


Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no


I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.


No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.