It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
watergate? u mean a dam??
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.