@Kendragarden

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

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@jonnysun

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@heylauragao

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

@pilau

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@LostFelicia

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.