It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.