It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help