Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store
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JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
5-year-old: *hits her sister*
Me: Keep your hands to yourself.
Me: And your feet.
Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”
“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?