It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


I’m not really feeling this edible.

*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*


I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .


Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.


Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip


Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.


Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.


Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.



wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us