It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.