@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

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@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@mactx85

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

@KevinFarzad

People are often shocked when I tell them I’m single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.

@skedaddle74

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

@adamgreattweet

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

@krisv_723

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.