It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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handsome & gretel
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
(Electricians.)
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy