Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me