The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
How your email finds me
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep