It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.