Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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Wikigenius
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.