I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing
My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93
I was just shushed.
My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.