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I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing


My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93


My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.


Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet


*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”


Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.


My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.