It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Interior design 👌
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?