It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her


Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]


Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.


The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.


dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time


Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.