wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You Might Also Like
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.