It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You Might Also Like
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I created you as mosquito food.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”