It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Well, shit
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too