It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Thank you corporation very cool
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.