21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.