It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I beg your pardon?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.