It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night

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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.



Me: Can’t. This weekend is a holiday for my people.

Him: Oh, you’re celebrating Passover?

Me: *hiding Lobsterfest menu under my desk* Passover…yes. That’s exactly what I was referring to.


I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.


Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.


Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.


Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍


Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?


I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.


How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.