@divergentmama

It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night

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@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year

@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

@ewfeez

My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.

@Rollinintheseat

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade