My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night
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so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade