I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
You Might Also Like
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
😜
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭