It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
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will be used
against you


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.


Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier


Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.


Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?


[Newlywed Game]

Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal

Me: *flips card* Owl

Wife: Who?

Me: You

Wife: Who?

*Bob and I high five*