It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.