It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
SF is the wild wild west man
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.