@mariokeyparty

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

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@markydoodoo

[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.

@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@mommajessiec

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@sageboggs

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong