It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.