It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

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[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.


I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?


*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.


teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong