@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

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@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

@pixelatedboat

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

@whytruy

Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely

@AndyAsAdjective

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

@curlycomedy

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@SirAustinOfDunn

My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.

@itsnashflynn

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

@sofarrsogud

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

@HenpeckedHal

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?