It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
You Might Also Like
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.