By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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Me – Doctor, I have depression.
Doctor – Are you on anything for it?
Me – Twitter.
Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!
Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
will be used
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.