@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

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@TJ_Whitehead

By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table

@wateringabuxus

Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.

@novocapulum

Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

@karanbirtinna

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@lovemyboots111

I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee

@bossy_bootz

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Undeleted txts
will be used
against you

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.