@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

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@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series

@HallpassCanada

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”