It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.

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ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.


“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds


Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?


My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years


Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart


Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.


My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.


When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form