Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles