It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Don’t make me out nice you.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.