It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.


Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo


In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.


the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake


In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.


4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!