@Darlainky

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

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@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!